Pick Your Battles.
The term, “pick your battles,” brought on a whole new meaning when I became a parent. There is nothing I understand more than not having enough hours in the day to complete even the most basic household chores, let alone wait out my screaming toddler who won’t put on her shoes before daycare. Yet as a behavior analyst, I know that the most important element of behavior reduction is consistency. Picking your battles is a necessity in this journey we call parenting. Here are a few things to keep in mind so that you can do it successfully.
Pick a time
It may not be wise to pick a battle when you’re already late for an event. Although the moment that you finally have a spare second may not be the most appealing time to work through difficult behavior, it is certainly more convenient than the moment your chicken is burning, your baby is screaming, the phone is ringing, and you have a conference call in seven minutes. Muster up as much strength as you can to ride this one out and remember that you are setting a very important foundation for your child’s compliance down the road.
Pick the function
The function of a behavior refers to WHY a child is engaging a particular behavior. Typically, a child engages in aberrant behavior for one of 3 reasons: to escape a demand, gain attention or gain access to something (learn more about functions of behavior). Let’s say that you’re getting ready for school and your child is refusing to get dressed. Is it school that he’s avoiding or the difficult motor task involved with dressing? Determine the primary function (reason for the misbehavior) and pick that battle. For instance, if your child’s first words this morning were, “I don’t want to go to school,” you may consider helping with his morning routine and work on independently dressing into pajamas night. This way, he won’t draw the morning out so much that he’s late to school.
Pick a behavior
Do not pick all of the battles! For instance, if your child engages in difficult behavior to gain your attention, don’t begin to tackle this battle in public settings. Consider addressing this behavior at home where it’s much easier to ignore inappropriate attention-seeking behavior.
Pick it and stick with it
Once you’ve picked your battle, you’ve got to ride it out to the end! Keep in mind that a child’s behavior often gets worse before it gets better. Kids will push the boundaries in order to determine your breaking point; “Last time my mom gave in when I bit my sister, so that must work this time!” Your priority should be to keep your child and all family members safe while also following through. This sets the expectation with your child that, ‘no matter the escalation in my behavior, it is important to my parent that I follow through with what they say'.’ You’ll find that kids’ overall behavior will improve once you start picking your battles and sticking to your guns!
Today is the day!
How do we balance the need for consistency with the need to get stuff done? Remember that behavior reduction IS getting stuff done! Once you’ve nipped a behavior in the bud, it is more likely that your days will run smoother in the long run. In that unbearable moment when you’re probably already running late or you have an undesirable audience at the grocery store, focus on your long-term goals. The action that you take now will set your child up for success in the future. And truth be told, it will be a heck of a lot easier to address this behavior today than it will be in another few months or years!